Sunday, January 18, 2009

Blog long dead

You should go here instead.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Scare much?

Just had to revive this blog to put up this ad I found.

It's a banner ad for some identity theft protection software. There is a line of people, you mouse over them and a little label pops up saying what mundane activity they did (using their ATM) and what happened when their identity was stolen as a result. The absolute best one was this lady- (click the picture for best results)

I'm not saying that isn't technically possible. But really, you might as well have just said "Got out of bed that morning- HIT IN FACE BY ASTEROID"


Sunday, July 08, 2007


Here's some search terms that have accumulated while I've been on permanent blog vacation-

"football shaped building" This one came from one of my loyal readers in the Czech Republic. I assume they got here because I am always talking about the Football Hall of Fame. (I wonder if this also explains all the hits I got from people searching for "building that looks like it's wearing the Pope's hat"?)

"nick punto sucks". Aww, be nice to Punty.

"fry sleep with leela" When Futurama comes back on the air next year, I don't think I'll be able to enjoy it because all I will be able to think about are the sheer number of people who are also watching it, but also whacking off.

"what does sexy mama mean?" Ok....pull up a chair, we got a long night ahead of us.

"chef dumpsters" I'm actually curious about this one. Are they looking for info on Chefs dumpster diving? A Chef with the last name of Dumpsters? A receptacle for throwing away large amounts of used cooks? This crap keeps me up at night.

"pineapples are really annoying" *high fives*

Saturday, April 28, 2007

25 Apr 22:19:42 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:19:23 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:19:08 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:18:50 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:18:11 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:18:03 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:17:31 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:16:50 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:16:21 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:16:15 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:11:43 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:11:33 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:11:17 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:11:06 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:10:59 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:09:39 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:22:04 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:21:23 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:21:19 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:21:11 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:20:28 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:19:56 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html
25 Apr 22:19:50 ben chef rochester 2005_03_12_archive.html


Thanks for the memories

What a corny thing to say.

Anyway, this blog is being closed for the forseeable future. I have nothing interesting to talk about, and no time to not talk about it.

I'm not going to delete it, as I may reopen it sometime down the line for a secret project I have been working on.

Until then, I will occasionally update it to serve as a museum of ludicrous search terms.

Fare thee well.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Overheard on the Radio

(sappy music plays)"....and our thoughts and prayers are with all the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting and their families.....And now, getting back to the music here's .38 Special!"

Sunday, April 15, 2007

15 Apr 01:46:33 ugly asian lady
I mention this only because a) I am one of only five sites that come up with this search (And the only one who is talking about Sandra Oh) an because b)the google ad in the side bar is probably the best ever-

Meet Someone Who Makes You
Smile! Try Ugly Asian Women.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Oh, Derek Geter

I get hits for 'Derek Geter" fairly often. Thats nothing new, I designed it that way as an odd little experiment. However, I was curious what else came up for that search besides my site, so I followed the appropriate link. I noticed one site in particular, which had this preview-

At our last fundraiser, he brought autographed baseballs by Derek Geter, Hedeki Matsui, Jose Posada, Bernie Williams and Joe Torre. ...

I love it. Whoever this guy is, I just imagine him standing outside the fundraiser, talking to some guy on the corner, frantically trying to come up with something to donate.

"Derek Geter? Sure I got him. Hedeki Matsui, Jose Posada, yeah no problem. I also got some balls from Marky Mantle and Joe Dismashio."

Saturday, April 07, 2007

The Worst Job of All Time

Awhile back I read this article on the worst jobs in the history of England. I especially liked this one, Roman Era Gold Miner-

This position involves extremely long hours in terribly cramped conditions, in the middle of nowhere, up to 25 metres (82 feet) below ground. Gold is extracted from seams deep beneath the earth's surface using a tiny iron pick that showers you with razor-sharp splinters that will almost certainly blind you. Fires are regularly set to speed up the gold extraction, and if you're not burnt or choked by the fire, you may be maimed or killed by the subsequent explosion as water hits the hot rock.

You have to carry huge amounts of mined spoil on your back through low, narrow tunnels to the surface. You may be crushed by falling rocks at any time. Only slaves or prisoners need apply.

Still not convinced? Read what Peter L Bernstein, author of The Power of Gold: The history of an obsession, has to say:

The best description we have of the horrors experienced by the workers in these mines has been provided by Diodorus, a Greek who visited Egypt about the time that Caesar ruled Rome. The air in the shafts was foetid, constantly depleted by the tiny candles that barely illuminated the terrible darkness. The heat was intense, the earth frequently gave way, quartz in the rock released arsenic fumes that caused excruciating deaths among the many who inhaled them. The slaves had to work on their backs or sides and were literally worked to death if they were not crushed to death by falling rocks before they expired from exhaustion.

For some time I felt this was probably the worst job in human history. Until now.

I picked up a side job doing transcriptions of audio interviews for a legal firm. Why I thought this was a good idea, I don't know. Now my nights are spent huddled over my keyboard, furiously mashing the keys as I struggle to stay no more than two sentence behind whoever is talking.
I had to sign a non-disclosure form, so I can't talk about the interviews, but OH MY GOD I didn't know human beings could be so utterly boring, and bloviate at such length on subjects no one could possibly find interesting. And I have like 30 hours to go still. Hell, I need to go download a fresh batch of files to start right now. I just finished the most recent one last night (after the computer crashed 1/3 of the way through the job, scrapping all my work.)
Also, I have to play the files at .5 speed to even have a chance at staying caught up, so everybody sounds like they're stoned. Although for laughs I can play it at 1.5 and everyone sounds like they're coked up.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

3 Apr 10:08:04 drawn pics of fry and leela having sex

3 Apr 15:46:03 futurama amy and leela sexy fanfic

Goodbye my faith in humanity.

Seriously, its because of this I am so unsure how I feel about Futurama coming back. It was the most good hearted, clever, enjoyable show you'll ever watch, and I have to think about the fact that someone, somewhere, is whacking off to it.

Monday, April 02, 2007

30 Mar 11:45:04 my eyeball is bleeding: I'm pretty sure this was not the correct course of action. Though given the Canadian health care system, maybe it was.

28 Mar 20:31:56 defeather pigeons: Chalk up one more thing I'm the Internets leading authority on.

28 Mar 09:59:24 symon need to stop having babies with guys and practice on that's so raven: Damn straight. I been saying this for awhile. Stupid "Raven Symone".

29 Mar 23:36:57 mentally handicap chef: Meh.

1 Apr 13:35:50 jumps off the cliff photos: You're a bad person.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Election time in USG means no free time for Ben. It's hard running for New England senate and trying to work as many Animal House Quotes as possible into your speeches.

26 Mar 13:18:38 dave chapman chef I'm always getting hits from people searching for some chef whose name is comprised of words I've happened to say on this site. But this guy! I actually worked for a Chef Dave Chapman! Long time readers (i.e. members of my family, i.e pretty much everyone here) might remember him as Chappy for Disney World. Since this search came from the UK, he might not be looking for the same guy, but I assure you my Chapman is cooler.

26 Mar 02:06:46 300 arooo spartans Heh. Whatever the Spartans battle cry from the movie is, I'm pretty sure it's not the noise Nixon makes on Futurama.

26 Mar 10:02:21 nasty and funny short stories and jokes for a cheating husband- I'm sorry your husband is cheating on you in Zambia, bit I hope you enjoyed the site!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Seeing as how nothing remotely interesting has happened to me in the last two weeks, let's take a look at that old fallback, keywords.

25 Mar 09:50:33 what are the names of the trains in big thunder mountain The odd thing about this is, if you search for it the answers are right there in front of your face. The very first page that comes up is a Thunder Mountain FAQ that advertises listing the names of the trains. You actually have to go quite a ways to get here. That's some real dedication to learning about Thunder Mountain.

24 Mar 08:32:43 cersei lesbian sex Oh yeah. This is obviously a result of me panning the juvenile and pointless lesbian sex scene when I reviewed a Feast For Crows. I was going to say "Sorry you won't find any explicit fan art renditions of that here" but then it occurred to me there probably are some out there somewhere.

24 Mar 02:24:24 torii the baseballer Oh, those charming Aussies!

24 Mar 13:06:21 extract music from oh my darling clementine No, I'm just as confused as you are.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Whaddya Know?

My demands to 'stop it' actually worked.

22 Mar 21:35:08 retarded ch

And just in time!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Why am I so paranoid?

I stopped by the store today because I was out of toothpaste. After I picked it up, I was looking at the toothbrushes, and it occurred to me that mine could use replacing. So I grabbed one too. Then, as I'm leaving the aisle, I spot bottles of mouth was and I figure I might as well grab one of those while I'm there.
But after I pick it up I get this mental image in my head, where I go up to the register to pay, and the cashier looks at my stuff and says "Oh, someone must have told you that you have bad breath."

I put the mouthwash back, and paid for my stuff without ever opening my mouth.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I REALLY can't help you with this...

21 Mar 00:27:25'm a guy need a prom date

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Hey! It's Not Funny Anymore!

When I get search engine hits from "funniest chef" it's cool.

When I get them for "retarded chef", it's less so.

Now, it's just gotten personal.

20 Mar 00:17:09 worst chef

As to some of the other terms I've gotten recently, yes I worked at Disney World but I didn't steal anything on the way out so I can't help you with "tower of terror props". Sorry. I don't know any chefs named Carlos Rodriguez, Mark Silverman, Ben Jenkins or Thomas Burns. Sorry. I'm sure they're all awesome dudes though. I have done cartoon drawings of chefs, but I'm afraid not any wall size ones. Sorry. And even though I once spelled 'philosopher' wrong, I can't help you find your "philosepher niche". Sorry.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Bad '90s Lyrics

I know this has probably been pointed out a million times before, but I've heard this song quite a bit lately, and it's really bugging me.

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I'd fly above the trees
Over the seas in all degrees
To anywhere I please

Lenny, a dragonfly gets like, 10 feet off the ground.

Bad 80's lyrics

Moving forward using all my breath
Making love to you was never second best
I saw the world crashing all around your face
Never really knowing it was always mesh and lace

It's bad enough that thanks to Burger King I can't hear this song without thinking of cheeseburgers, but come on? Making love to you was never second best? Yeah, that will get you back in the sack.
On the other hand, I too never realized that all that stuff crashing about your face was in fact, mesh and lace.

Saturday, March 17, 2007


What does Google have to say about Ben? Let's see:

1.Ben is a charming and witty ubergenius with enough confidence and tenacity to turn this town on its head – and to do some real good while he’s at it.

2.Ben Is Dead

3.Ben is leaving the building

4.Ben is not a building in danger

5.Ben is asked to return to Bryan Medical School in Miami and
finish out the term of an eccentric professor whose body was found in a canal near the school.

6.Ben is a much better alum of Miami U than Wally Z.

7.BEN is already astonishing users with its ability to bring amazing clarity and quality to audio production while providing flexibility and features like no other studio clock before!

8.Ben is back, badder than ever

9.Ben is a huge techno-geek, and his love for something is often based on how many LEDs it has.

10.Ben Is Right Again

Gotta say, I think 1 come closest to describing me. Maybe 5 too, though it sure sounds like a lot of work. I have to agree with 6 though. Wally Z is a douche!

Thursday, March 15, 2007


If you don't feel like wading through all those Futurama quotes just scan about 2/3 of the way down for the top 20.


Since I have nothing else to talk about right now, here are my 10 favorite lines from the most underloved show in history. I didn't exactly have some scientific system for this. I just went with lines that were funny, memorable, and that I actually use in real life situations. I also tried to stay away from longer gags, and just keep them to a few lines maximum.
Honorable Mentions:

Absolutely anything said by Hedonism Bot.

Fry A: You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails? So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost.

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?

Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!

Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.

Robot Santa: Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW missile!

Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.

Leela: Nooo! Ahh! Fire hot!!
Professor: The Professy will help! Ohhh, fire indeed hot!

Alien: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?

Dr. Zoidberg [to Fry]: Now what?
Fry: Tell her she looks thin.
Dr. Zoidberg: You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from intestinal parasites maybe?
Edna: Yes, thanks for noticing.

Fry: My fellow fish monsters, far be it for me to question your stupid culture and its idiotic customs, but will using a giant nutcracker to squeeze each other's brains out solve anything?

Fry: Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here! It's horrible! Eating scraps; letting my waste drop wherever it falls, like an animal in a zoo!
Leela: Animals go in the corner.
Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?

Morgan: That form isn't about you. It refers to my high school prom date. It was a regulation date that ended in regulation disappointment.
Hermes: Yes, but you only stamped it four times!
Morgan: No! No! I was young and reckless.

Fry: Look, the food isn't what's important.
Tinny Tim: I'm so hungry.

Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich! [looks at Fry] You too, but its hard to get excited about that.

Fry: You know what the worst part of being a slave is? All you do is work but you don't get paid. Leela: Fry, that's the only part of being a slave.

Albert: Ladies and gentlemen, something very strange has just happened in this basketball game between space clowns and atomic monsters.

Farnsworth (shouting) Ooh! [The anteaters start to eat him.] Oh, you've killed me! You've killed me!
Leela: Oh, God! What have I done?
Farnsworth: I just told you, you've killed me!

Bender: Save my friends! And Zoidberg!

[Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.]
Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!
Bender: Do a flip!

Zapp Brannigan: This whole sector is uncharted.
Kif: It is not uncharted, you lost the chart.

Professor Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!!!!!

Martian Chief: I am "Singing Wind" leader of the Martians.
Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader.
Martian Chief: …moving along…

Fry: Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?
Zapp: A valid question. [The lights come back on.] We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.
Bender: They look like dorks!

Sal: Hey, sexy mama, let's get busy and freaky in that order!
Fry: Hey! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to have sex with you?
Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck stop chick!
Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck stop chick!
Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.
Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!

Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glermo: Why those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them!

Farnsworth: Due to the atoms tremendous value, Planet Express would go bankrupt if it was stolen. Therefore we'll need to hire on additional security for the mission.
Flexo: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mr. Professor, right here!
Fry: Uh, maybe we should stick with people we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great, but-- Farnsworth: "Flexo's great," you say? Well that's good enough for me.

Hermes: Where in Funkytown is the Professor?
Fry: Nothing in here but a couple of elephant skin rugs.

Robot Santa: But what about your other co-workers? Did any of you even consider Dr. Zoidberg?
Fry: No, I swear!

Wow, that went on for awhile. Let's get to the top 20 now.

20. Professor Farnsworth: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome!
I want my own angry dome...

19.[Zoidberg's house has burned down underwater.] Zoidberg: My home! It burned down! Oh, how did this happen?
Hermes: That's a very good question.
Bender: Oh, so that's where I left my cigar.
Hermes: That just raises even further questions!

18. Bender: Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics…
Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money!
Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!
Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous!
Dr. Zoidberg: Awww.
This one is better if you can actually watch Zoidberg throughout it.

17. Dr. Zoidberg: Hurray, people are paying attention to me!
Who hasn't said this at least once in life?

16. God: It takes a gentle touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
God: Exactly, if you make it look like an electrical thing.
My kind of God.

15. iHawk: Gee, Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
Nurse: Leave Dr. Zoidberg alone! He has twice the training you do.
iHawk: Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher! [He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]
Zoidberg: See, this is how it starts. First with he jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.
[iHawk laughs then turns a switch on his body from "irreverent" to "maudlin".] iHawk: When will the killing end?
Ok, I know I broke my own rule here, but sue me. It's probably the funniest part of maybe my favorite episode. "It's stuck in there with glue or something, I don't know!"

14. Fry: Hey, wait, I'm having one of those things…you know, a headache with pictures.
Leela: An idea? Fry: Mmm! Mmm hmm!
I get these sometimes. I hate them!

13. Fry: [about to serve his sentence of being sexed to death] Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really, really hoped.
You and me both buddy...

12. Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.

11. Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name…Zapp Brannigan, at your service.

10. Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
I can't wait to be old.

9. Dr. Zoidberg: I'm going to cut him, right here, [pointing at Fry's throat] in the gonads!
Fry: [to the audience] Nobody correct him!

8.Fry: Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
Giant Brain Spawn: The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!
Bonus points for "I'm a giant brain!" Which I use as often as possible.

7. Fry: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Put me in, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
Yeah, I use this one a lot. A LOT.

6. Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
I often try to get people to understand the wisdom here, but it never seems to get through to them either.

5. Fry: That doesn't look like an L, unless you count lowercase.
Bender: You know we don't!
I base my philosophy on life around that.

4. Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
Wait, no. I base it on this.

3. Fry: This is awesome! We're gonna be like pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like ... [He screams and makes explosion noises.] ... and then we'll have pancakes to celebrate and I'll be like...gronhmgronhmgornhm
That's the best pancake eating noise I can do.

2. The Grand Midwife: I will now take my leave! I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore!
Not useful, but damn funny.

And my all time favorite Futurama quote....

1. Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty. [He takes a laser out of his lab coat.] We still have the option of resorting to violence.
Hermes: What makes you think that'll work?
Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool was that?

Three things I learned doing this:
I really love Futurama.
Fry reminds me of myself.
If there is one quote I really need to work into my daily venacular, it's that "arooo" noise Nixon makes.

So, what about you?


Check back later for my massive homage to the best quotes in Futurama history.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Overheard at EB Games-

The clerk answering the phone while ringing me up today-

"Hello, EB Games, where you can pick up the PS3.....No, sorry we don't have any PS3's in stock."

Also, went to see 300 again. Now, I've been hearing people on the Internet bitching and moaning about the historical inaccuracies. "The Persians didn't use rhinos....they didn't show the Thebans....stupid kids are going to see this and think thats how things really went..."

Ok. Here's the thing. THE STUPID KIDS WERE ALREADY STUPID. Do you think any of them have even heard of the Battle of Thermopylae before??? Anyone can tell this is a heavily stylized account. I'd say just being aware of the battles existence is a significant step up for most.

Finally, I actually watched the Dog episode of Futurama tonight. You know the one I mean. But I guess I must be turning into a callous SOB, because I barely even cried at all.

Keyword Fun

13 Mar 13:58:48 craig nettles expos- Unlike Derek Geter I didn't mean to misspell Greg Nettles name. Sorry dude. (Oh, and he played for the Expos in 1988, the final year of his career.)

12 Mar 17:49:09 what does raven symone bedroom looks like Yes! But I don't know.

13 Mar 22:14:19 mentally handicapped chef

Hey! Stop that!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The F Word

It was bad enough when I got a MySpace. Now I got a damned Facebook.

No, don't ask me why. It wasn't to stalk teenage girls ok??? Sheesh.

Though if you also have one, perhaps you'd like to join my Group,
I Want To Play Zap Brannigan In The Live Action Futurama Movie.

Come on, just imagine me saying it-

"I am the man with no name....Zzzap Brannigan at your service!"

Oh man, I could totally pull that off.

P.S. Going to see 300 again tonight.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Oh, Irony

I was working on a side project, collecting the names of political magazines on Wikipedia. I clicked on the entry for Practical Anarachy magazine...
(Click the pic to actually see it)

The different colored link means that no Wiki article currently exists for "DIY media".

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The worst song on the radio today

At work we usually listen to one of those excerable "Mix" stations that play Adult Contemporary, or whatever its called. Carrie Underwood and Nickelback basically.
I could probably tolerate if it wasn't for that Hinder song "Lips of an Angel". Now, by itself this isn't the worst song ever. It's almost tolerable even. But the fact that it is played every fifteen minutes on every station makes it utterly loathsome. Even gets played on the damned country stations, because there's a damned country version of it.
The worst part about it is every time it comes on, one of the student workers who's about will invariably squeal "Ohhh, I LOVE this song!!" Argh. Damnit bitch, why are you getting excited by a song you could easily hear thirty times a day, and in fact probably do?

Also, what's up with that Carrie Underwood song about (I think) four-wheel drive, headlights and cheating? Those are literally the only three words I can understand in that song.


9 Mar 21:25:22 derek geter

Hey! One of 7 hits I got yesterday. Odd how your site gets not traffic when you have nothing interesting to say.


Caught the midnight showing 11:59 pm Thursday, 12:01 am friday, or whenever the hell it started.

In any case I demand you see this movie. Right now. Run to the theater. Better yet, drive. And speed. If your'e not 17 use a fake ID. No wait, don't I don't want to have to put up with annoying kids while I'm getting my Spartan-on-Persian violence fix. But get someone to buy you cigarettes, because smoking is cool.

Oh, and don't say "I'll see it when it comes out on video." That doesn't work with this movie. It needs to be seen in a movie theater, as large of one as possible, preferably with a sound system that costs more than the GDP of a large, Midwestern town. It will not be the same on your lame ass TV. It sure would suck on my lame ass TV.

Damn my TV sucks, I need a new one.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Olde Tymey Base Ball

I finally got around to purchasing the New Bill James Baseball Abstract, something I've been meaning to do since it first came out in 2000. But I finally had an excuse, namely, I needed a book. And I could probably spend a year reading this one.

One of the best parts are the snippets of newspaper articles from the early days of the game. My absolute favorite so far comes from a profile of a particular player- "....called "Pat" because of his fierce love of shovelling sand, and his carrying of a dinner pail."

Like Bill James said, I guess you had to be there.

Monday, March 05, 2007


I really dislike the phrase "banging my head against a wall", but that's the only way I can think of to describe this.
At work we tend to have a lot of leftover soup at the end of the night. So the procedure for saving it is to pour it into shallow pans, cover it, label it and put it on a rack in the cooler.

Here's the problem. Without fail, people seem to think they need to insert an extra step. Namely, "leave the soup sitting out on the counter for half an hour". Too "cool".

Ok. Look. I'm not some great chef. I'm really pretty passable at what I do. So I don't have a lot of great chefly advice to impart on you. But if I can leave you with on vital bit of culinary knowledge, it is this-

There is no reason to leave food sitting out at room temperature.

Got it? None. If it is meant to be served hot, or cold, it should never be just sitting around. Keep it hot, or keep it cold. Don't let it sit there in a temperature zone where bacteria can fester.

This seems fairly obvious to me, and yet almost every day I have to correct someone on it.

"But it needs to cool first!" they protest.

"Yes" I agree, my teeth practically grinding in futile despair "and it will do that. In the cooler."

Between 40 degrees and 140 degrees Farenheit is bad, ok folks?

Sunday, March 04, 2007


3 Mar 14:37:00 i'm harold dieterle gay

Harold! You finally came!! And you answered the question we've all been wondering!

Oh, thank you!!

Hey Parents

Maybe I'm just grumpy from spending all day in a 3x5 box slinging nachos and hot dogs to endless waves of basketball kids but I got a beef here. Parents, the next time you send your 6 month old kid to get a slice of pizza for you, please bear this in mind-

1. Your kid is like 2'1. If I have to lean over the front of the counter to see them, maybe they aren't ready for cash transactions.

2. There are two basketball games on next to us. Your child speaks as loud as a caterpillar. Do they want nachos? Nicos? Cherry Coke? Churros? If its the last one, you're going to be disappointed, and I'm annoyed either way.

3. Your child appears too young to understand 'math' or 'basic counting' or even 'shapes. So I'd rather if they didn't correct me when I give them their change. I have a college degree, they don't.

Come to think of it, didn't I get a culinary degree specifically to get away from doing things like this? Dang, I never get what I want.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I can help you with this

Unlike most search requests, this one was a result of an exact sentiment I have expressed here before.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

A little experiment

Jen's experience with hordes of misinformed people coming to her site searching for information on "Raven Symone" has given me a passing idea. I'm curious if I can lure confused/ignorant/creepy people to my site by planting certain search terms here.

Please bear with me, I'll let you know how it goes.

Pictures of Angeleena Jolee nude

can eating dish soap make you pregnant?

I farted on my turtle

brad pit naked pictures butt

my turtle smells funny

how many stamps does it take to mail a letter to rusia?

rushin mail order brides

hysteria fanfiction

cameron deez is pregnant?

how far is it safe to throw a turtle

does derek geter use steroids

where to buy stareoids

raven symone fanfiction here

(Maybe that last one will draw some of the weirdos away from you.)

Friday, February 23, 2007

And right back down

As thrilled as I was about the post below, I am...somewhat less thrilled with discovering how quickly my site comes up upon using this search term.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


I'm not going to do a cartoon for this, but the visitor who "contributed" this search term totally made my day-

Google search for 'funniest chef blog'

I wonder if my fame has peaked at 27?

Monday, February 19, 2007

Antonia's Line

This past weekend I was coerced into watching a flick called Antonia's Line. If you haven't heard of it, don't worry neither had I, though it was the 1995 Oscar winner for best Foreign Picture. That said, I consider my viewing of it, by a wide margin, the least probable thing I have ever done.

The story begins, more or less, with a woman named Antonia, and her daughter, returning to her childhood village in Holland after the end of WWII. She's inherited the family farm from her dying mother (driven mad by her cheating husband, of course)

The townsfolk include a misanthropic, aggresively atheist intellectual who thinks all children should be aborted (apparently...I think), a cruel, uncaring dogmatic Catholic preist who molests children, a happy singing priest who quits the church and goes off to have a bunch of children with a woman who's job seems to be having babies from different men, and two neighbors who would be lovers if only their religous differences didn't keep them apart.

Of course their's Antonias neighbors. One is a vile little man who tries to whore out his mentally retarded daughter and his equally vile sons. On the other side there is a caring widower, with non-vile sons, who lusts after Antonia.

So let's see. Antonia's daughter catches the older evil son raping his retarded sister and runs hm through with a pitchfork. He leaves town to, what else, join the military. Dee Dee, the sister in question goes to live with Antonia, and soon shacks up with her hired hand, a mentally handicapped young fellow, in a plot line that was maybe kinda sweet in a way, but which I found rather patronizing.

In any case, the daughter grows up and decides she wants a baby...but not a husband. So mom takes her on a field trip to the city where they find some biker guy and take him to hotel. Once there the daughter and the guy get down while mom and the guys cousin (or's the lady the happy priest shacks up with later) sip tea in the garden and wait. Once done the daughter slips out and they all run off.

Gosh, lets see, what happens next? The baby grows up to be some kind of super-prodigy (with the help of the shut-in intellectual. Why anyone would want their kid hanging out with this guy is beyond me) Her mom, Antonia's daughter, is now a lesbian, I guess, and gets into with her daughters teacher.

At this point, the evil guy who went to join the army returns. He rapes the grand daughter, though this is just mentioned in passing, and never has any apparent effect on the poor girl. It does give Antonia a chance to shove a shotgun in his face. Oh and in case you missed the subtelty of him being an evil military monster, he's been wandering around in full dress uniform the whole time. Long story short, he ends up being actually murdered by his greedy brother, who in turn is kicked to death by a cow.

Super-smart grand daughter goes off, at the age of 20 or so, to be a college proffesor and sleep with communists. Eventually she gets pregnant (by someone she's related to....again, I think so anyways. I confess I wasn't focusing like a laser at all times) and returns to the family farm for my favorite scene in the whole movie.

See, throughout the film the whole family is always seen eating outdoors, at a table in the farmhouse courtyard. As the family, and their circle of friends, expands so does the table. It was a nice touch actually. Anyway, grand daughter comes to dinner one day and announces to the twenty odd people there that she's pregnant. And everyone launches into a laughing, comedic debate over whether or not she should have an abortion. Now, I don't wanna get into my own thoughts on the subject, because this isn't that kinda blog, but I'd be lying if I said I thought that was the proper response to that statement.

Well, she ends up keeping the kid (against the wishes of the shut-in philosepher, who commits suicide soon afterwards) and a whole bunch of people die. Most notably, Dee Dee's husband is killed in a tractor accident, and we get to watch her wailing inconsolably for awhile. Because I wouldn't want to enjoy this movie or anything.

In the end, Antonia dies, but not before imparting on us this important message- religion sucks, so do most men, and the army is for rapist jerks.

Actually it wasn't that bad of a movie. It had some sweet moments, if you don't mind watching a depicition of farm life as an insane liberal fantasy.

Oh and yes, this was a horrible and only slightly accurate recap of this movie. So you should watch it and decide for yourself, because I sure wasn't the target audience.


Rome II

Finished with Season 1 of Rome on DVD.

I'll go ahead and say that I enjoyed it for the most part.I can tell it's going to be one of those shows that constantly raises my hopes of happiness for the characters, then dashes them against the sharp rocks of alcoholism, suicide and fiance murdering.

I gotta say though, the scene where Pullo fights off like nine gladiators (in gory detail) while Caesars slave strolls through the streets of Rome (presumably on his way to save him) had me literally sitting on the edge of my chair, just inches from the TV screen.
Of course, I was watching it in my bedroom, where my chair is already right in front of the TV, but you get the idea.

So, now I get to wait another three or four years for season 2 to come out.

And hey, whatever happened to Cleopatra?

That Baseball Thing

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