Wednesday, December 22, 2004

First Things First

Before we get to the list below, a couple quick hits.

I am officially the worst picture taker ever. I went to Animal Kingdom yesterday, and during Mickey Jammin Jungle Jewish Jambalaya Jamboree parade thingy I took about thirty pictures and got maybe one good one. Also, what the hell is so hard about the directions "stay behind the white line"? That dosen't mean run across the street in between every float. It was pretty funny when a cast member YELLED at this one lady who apparently didnt get the idea.

That Dinosaur ride is pretty good. I rode it once, and since they didn't take my FastPass I rode it again. That time I remembered to make a funny face at the camera. Ha ha.

Its Tough To Be A Bug? Damn, there were little kids running out of the theater screaming. I don't really blame them.

The Osborne Family Spectacle of lights was pretty good I guess but I still don't feel like Christmas.

New List Time- Villain Deaths

Ranking the most important aspect of any Disney Movie- how the bad guy bites it in the end.

Ok, this one is pretty slapped together, and as always my Disney memory is pretty hazy, so feel free to point and laugh.

The Evil Queen - "Snow White"- I can't quite remember this one. Thinking back on the Disneyland ride, I think that the dwarves either toppled a bunch of rocks off a cliff onto her, or pushed her off said cliff. Hmmm... I'm gonna go with the latter because it establishes an important precedent. Whatever, she sucked she didn't deserve an original death. C-

Captain Hook- "Peter Pan" He didn't die of course, but I think we were all supposed to assume he was messily devoured by the crocodile. I mean, come on, he couldn't run forever. He's dead now. B+

Malificient- "Sleeping Beauty"- It was a giant fire breathing dragon against a guy with a sword. Who had his back up against a cliff. This fight should have been like Shaquille O' Neal with a machine gun against a midget with a ping pong paddle. I mean, she had one thing to do in this fight- don't get so close that he can actually poke you with his little sword. You could have, I don't know melted him, shook him off the cliff, whatever. And what did you do? Got poked with the little sword. D

Shar Khan- "The Jungle Book"- Again, is not seen dying but I think we can assume. He's tiger dust these days. I know its been covered but this is even more pathetic than the example above. A fully grown adult tiger against a little boy. This should have been like a fight between Shaquille O' Neal and me, except Shaqs arms are now chainsaws and his head is a shark. And my arms have become dead squids. Way to go Khan. D-
Bonus: Kaa should have been the real villain of this movie based on the following-
A- "Trust In Me" is a good villain song.
B- He dosen't lose a fight to an eight year old boy.

Urusla- "The Little Mermaid"- Hey if you gotta go, go at a hundred times your original size, stabbed in the heart by a ship. A

Gaston- "Beauty and the Beast"- They're fighting on the roof top, and what do you know, he loses his balance and boom, nice, clean On Camera But You Don't Really See It death. Deserved it for bringing a knife to a gun fight. C

Jafar "Alladin"- Trapped in a lamp. Good job Jafar. You had everything you needed right there all ready, but you got greedy, and now what? You're stuck in a living room accessory for all eternity. Bonus points for looking good right before he got sucked in. C+

Scar "The Lion King" Scar proved that old adage that villains should stay at sea level at all times. Because he fights with Simba on a cliff, and well, you'll never guess what happens. Points subtracted for botching it, James Bond villain style at the end. C-

Governor Radcliffe "Pocahontas" You know my feelings on Radcliffe. And its John Smiths dumb ass fault for jumping in front of the bullet. And really, we're talking sixteenth century arquebuses here. It wasn't to bloody likely to hit where he was aiming anyway. Back in chains to England, where hopefully, a royal pardon awaits. -No grade as protest-

Frollo "Hunchback of Notre Dame" No Frollo, don't climb to the top of the cathedral, you'll just... oh never mind. You know how this ends. Bonus points for making a statue mad at him right before he died. B-

Shan Yu "Mulan" First off, I think he's the only villain to actually die twice (Having first cheated death in the avalance) Secondly he might just be the only bad guy to suffer death by EXPLODIFICATION~! Well done, Shan Yu, even if it was set up by you being disarmed by a freaking fan. A

Clayton "Tarzan"- Ok, going up in the tree in the first place just shows you havent been paying attention. And he did in fact, kinda sorta fall to his death, in a grisly un-Disney Way. B

Captain Whatever and Whats'hername "Atlantis" Hmmmm. I think at the end as they were floating in the balloon to the top of the volcano, Captain Whatever threw Whats'hername out of the basket to her deat. Then the balloon crashed killing him. Normally I would say "It's just a safe bet you didn't actually see them die" but with this movie you can't be sure. C-

Treasure Planet- Ok, raise your hands if you saw this one. Now, hang your heads in shame. Like 99.995 percent of the American Public, I missed it. But I'm guessing the villain would have been, like, Captain Blackbeard. Except he was a cyborg. And he fell off the top of the ship to his death.

Ok, what'd I miss?

That Baseball Thing

This Space Left Blank :(

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