Friday, December 16, 2005

Rewriting Lord Of the Rings

I was just watching Return of the King the other day, and as much as I love those films, I can't help but feel I could do a slightly better job with some of the scripting. Behold, my suggested changes for a couple of scenes. Original text in normal font, my additions in italics.

The Scene- Orcish troops are trying to break down the gates of Minas Tirath in Return of the King. They bring a normal ram to the gate and try to bring it down but are mowed down in waves by the archers up above. Finally there's a small mountain of orc corpses blocking the way. An orc commander runs back to the general...

Commander: The gate is too strong! Nothing can break it!
General. Grond will break it...
(They look back, where a pair of massive beasts are pulling a huuuuuge ram made in the fashion of a flaming wolfshead)

Commander: Ohhhhh, right right, Grond! How could I have forgotten Grond? Heh, heh, you know, after all the time we spent building it, and all the trouble it was to get it here, I'd have thought we would have, you know, just tried using it right away. I mean, we all would have felt pretty dumb if that little thing (points to the normal ram) had ended up breaking down the gates. I mean, what else could we have brought Grond along for? Ok, bring on Grond!

The Scene: The Urak-hai are about to attack Helms Deep. Legolas stands in a line of Elvish archers, their bows poised to fire.

Legolas:(whispering softly) Their armour is weak...below the arms and around the neck.

Elf three spots over: Wait, wait, what? What did he say? Was that important?
Elf two spots over: I think he said...bury me at Makeout Creek.
Elf three spots over: Ohh.....dude. We're boned.

Ehhh, maybe not.'s me

Yeah, yeah, it's been awhile. So?

-Another piece of wedding progress! The cake is all picked out. Its going to be quite the surprise. We also talked to a couple of photographers, but aren't really close to a decision on that front.

-When it comes to shoveling snow, Gwen and I agree: We have the longest driveway in the world.

-Luis Castillo to the Twins from the Marlins? Apparently Ron Gardenhire is "excited" by the move. He's not the only one. Slick fielding, slap-hitting speedy middle infielder Luis Rivas was quoted as saying " A slick fielding, slap-hitting speedy middle infielder is just what this team needs to put it's self over the top. If there was one ingredient that prevented us from making the playoffs last year, it was a slick fielding slap-hitting speedy middle infielder." Rivas then added "Hey, do I still play for this team?"

-Blalock? I would be downright giddy if the Twins actually got him somehow. I'm not exactly holding my breath. Especially since at best, I can hold my breath for two minutes, and the Twins usually need a month to work out a deal for a lifetime .220 hitter. What they need to do is sign Frank Thomas. Why the hell not?

UPDATE: I guess I almost could have held my breath for an answer to that. I just checked and they've signed Tony freakin' Batista....from play third base. Well, that was a nice fantasy while it lasted.

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