Wednesday, December 22, 2004

New List Time- Villain Deaths

Ranking the most important aspect of any Disney Movie- how the bad guy bites it in the end.

Ok, this one is pretty slapped together, and as always my Disney memory is pretty hazy, so feel free to point and laugh.

The Evil Queen - "Snow White"- I can't quite remember this one. Thinking back on the Disneyland ride, I think that the dwarves either toppled a bunch of rocks off a cliff onto her, or pushed her off said cliff. Hmmm... I'm gonna go with the latter because it establishes an important precedent. Whatever, she sucked she didn't deserve an original death. C-

Captain Hook- "Peter Pan" He didn't die of course, but I think we were all supposed to assume he was messily devoured by the crocodile. I mean, come on, he couldn't run forever. He's dead now. B+

Malificient- "Sleeping Beauty"- It was a giant fire breathing dragon against a guy with a sword. Who had his back up against a cliff. This fight should have been like Shaquille O' Neal with a machine gun against a midget with a ping pong paddle. I mean, she had one thing to do in this fight- don't get so close that he can actually poke you with his little sword. You could have, I don't know melted him, shook him off the cliff, whatever. And what did you do? Got poked with the little sword. D

Shar Khan- "The Jungle Book"- Again, is not seen dying but I think we can assume. He's tiger dust these days. I know its been covered but this is even more pathetic than the example above. A fully grown adult tiger against a little boy. This should have been like a fight between Shaquille O' Neal and me, except Shaqs arms are now chainsaws and his head is a shark. And my arms have become dead squids. Way to go Khan. D-
Bonus: Kaa should have been the real villain of this movie based on the following-
A- "Trust In Me" is a good villain song.
B- He dosen't lose a fight to an eight year old boy.

Urusla- "The Little Mermaid"- Hey if you gotta go, go at a hundred times your original size, stabbed in the heart by a ship. A

Gaston- "Beauty and the Beast"- They're fighting on the roof top, and what do you know, he loses his balance and boom, nice, clean On Camera But You Don't Really See It death. Deserved it for bringing a knife to a gun fight. C

Jafar "Alladin"- Trapped in a lamp. Good job Jafar. You had everything you needed right there all ready, but you got greedy, and now what? You're stuck in a living room accessory for all eternity. Bonus points for looking good right before he got sucked in. C+

Scar "The Lion King" Scar proved that old adage that villains should stay at sea level at all times. Because he fights with Simba on a cliff, and well, you'll never guess what happens. Points subtracted for botching it, James Bond villain style at the end. C-

Governor Radcliffe "Pocahontas" You know my feelings on Radcliffe. And its John Smiths dumb ass fault for jumping in front of the bullet. And really, we're talking sixteenth century arquebuses here. It wasn't to bloody likely to hit where he was aiming anyway. Back in chains to England, where hopefully, a royal pardon awaits. -No grade as protest-

Frollo "Hunchback of Notre Dame" No Frollo, don't climb to the top of the cathedral, you'll just... oh never mind. You know how this ends. Bonus points for making a statue mad at him right before he died. B-

Shan Yu "Mulan" First off, I think he's the only villain to actually die twice (Having first cheated death in the avalance) Secondly he might just be the only bad guy to suffer death by EXPLODIFICATION~! Well done, Shan Yu, even if it was set up by you being disarmed by a freaking fan. A

Clayton "Tarzan"- Ok, going up in the tree in the first place just shows you havent been paying attention. And he did in fact, kinda sorta fall to his death, in a grisly un-Disney Way. B

Captain Whatever and Whats'hername "Atlantis" Hmmmm. I think at the end as they were floating in the balloon to the top of the volcano, Captain Whatever threw Whats'hername out of the basket to her deat. Then the balloon crashed killing him. Normally I would say "It's just a safe bet you didn't actually see them die" but with this movie you can't be sure. C-

Treasure Planet- Ok, raise your hands if you saw this one. Now, hang your heads in shame. Like 99.995 percent of the American Public, I missed it. But I'm guessing the villain would have been, like, Captain Blackbeard. Except he was a cyborg. And he fell off the top of the ship to his death.

Ok, what'd I miss?


At 5:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't remember the name of the villian in Treasure Planet or how he died but I did see the movie and it was a lot better than I expected it to be. I actually really enjoyed it. Also, I think Radcliffe was a pretty bad, er, that is to say good villian. Even if it is a little unfair that he took all the blame for all of Europe's ideas about Indians and manifest destiny and all that jazz.

At 8:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ben, this is your father.
It really looks to me like ypu covered it pretty well. I can't even really argue too much with your ratings.
I would say that Atlantis could have gotten special consideration for killing not one, but two villians. As if that weren't enough, they killed each other. After What's her Name was thrown from the baloon flying machine, she fell several hundred feet and landed flat on her back on a rock slab. Despite having every bone in her body broken, and every major organ ruptured, she still had enough pluck to shoot down the entire machine with a pistol. Captain Whatever had no problem defeating the hero, Milo Something, but in the end, the only way he could kill his partner was to crash his baloon thing on top of her. Maybe she's still alive. One interesting note: Both these villian died even though they were technically below sea level. Still, they managed to tumble hundreds of feet to their ends.

Treasure Planet.....Wasn't that some space-age version of Long-John Silver? Long-John Titanium, or something? I only saw it once and I don't remember for sure, but I'm willing to bet that Mr Titanium is now space debris.

Poor Malificient. She should have turned herself into something smarter, like a dolphin. Even flopping helplessly on the ground she wouldn't have done any worse than she did as a dragon. At least people would have felt sorry for her.

I have to go now and watch Myth Busters. Maybe I'll write more later.

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ben, this is your father. I'm back.
Myth Busters was a "Best Of" show. Still funny though.
Where was I?

Scar: You know, Scar did not die by falling off the cliff. The end actually came when he was ripped to shreds and devoured by a pack of crazed hyenas. I suupose no other villian can make that claim.

Captain Hook: This is the only villian I can think of whose demise was made to look comical. I agree with you though. I believe he must be dead by now. Or, at least his other hand is gone. I'm going to think of him as Captain Hooks from now on. Or maybe Captain Hook & Ice pick. Or, Captain Hook & Big Serving Spoon.

I suppose I'm just dragging this out. Guess I'll check my email. You know me, Email-Checking Bill, they call me.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Captain Hook and Basket might actually come in handy.

I remember know about the villain death scenes in Atlantis. Damn that chick was tough. I did mean to mention its also the only case I can remember of villain on villain violence. Its just a wonder they didn't shoot each other in the face. On camera.

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ben, this is your father.
I just remembered what Captain Whatever's name actually was. I'm pretty sure it was James Garner.

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Ben said...

No, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of Bill Paxton.
No, Bill Pullman.


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